FOREIGN AGENT INFILTRATES SLOWJAMASTAN, APPARENTLY FINDS VERY LITTLE
Porder Batrol Incident Report
Classification: Probably Important
Incident: Unauthorized Foreign Reconnaissance
Status: Under Investigation
Reporting Agent: Agent Ashworth
Porder Batrol has been made aware of a deeply concerning — although admittedly not very exciting — breach of the Glorious Porder of the Republic of Slowjamastan.
Thanks to the exceptional intelligence-gathering efforts of Porder Batrol Agent Ashworth, officials obtained what appears to be a TOP SECRET – EYES ONLY reconnaissance report belonging to the mysterious West Who Intelligence Service, also known as W2.
According to the intercepted document, a W2 field agent successfully entered the Republic of Slowjamastan under “non-official cover” and conducted a limited reconnaissance mission without authorization from the Sultan, Porder Batrol, or anyone else who would have immediately told them to knock it off.
EXHIBIT A — Slowjamastan Porder
Foreign intelligence photograph obtained by Agent Ashworth.
The Infiltration
The foreign operative reportedly observed:
- Government facilities
- Transportation routes
- Public activity
- Communications infrastructure
- Various locations of “potential intelligence value”
The agent also photographed several highly sensitive Slowjamastani installations, including road signs, desert, more desert, a Porder checkpoint, additional desert, and what appears to be an extremely dangerous flagpole.
These photographs have now been obtained by Porder Batrol and are being carefully reviewed by agents who had nothing better to do.
EXHIBIT B — Government Signage
W2 surveillance photograph documenting critical Slowjamastani infrastructure.
Foreign Agent Nearly Discovered
The intercepted report reveals that at approximately 9:15 PM, the W2 operative believed they were being watched by two unidentified individuals.
Rather than confront these individuals, the agent immediately discontinued surveillance and departed the area.
Porder Batrol considers this an encouraging development.
We have no idea who the two unidentified individuals were.
We would, however, like to thank them.
W2 Declares Slowjamastan “No Immediate Security Concern”
Perhaps most insulting was W2’s preliminary assessment that Slowjamastan currently presents “no immediate security concern” to the Republic of West Who.
Porder Batrol strongly disputes this conclusion.
Slowjamastan maintains one of the most sophisticated national security systems in the Imperial Valley, consisting of a gate, a booth, several signs, fencing, cameras, highly trained Porder Batrol Agents, and occasionally somebody actually standing there.
We therefore consider Slowjamastan at least a moderate inconvenience to hostile foreign powers.
Porder Batrol Investigation Opened
The unauthorized entry is now officially considered a Porder Batrol incident.
Agents have been instructed to remain vigilant for suspicious behavior, including:
people photographing government installations, people taking notes, people staring at the Porder for unusually long periods of time, and anyone asking too many questions about the flagpole.
At this time, there is no evidence that classified Slowjamastani information was compromised.
Mostly because we don’t have very much.
Agent Ashworth Commended
Porder Batrol formally recognizes Agent Ashworth for intercepting the W2 communication and bringing the reconnaissance report and photographic evidence to the attention of the Chief and His Excellency Supreme Sultan Randy.
Without Agent Ashworth’s vigilance, we may never have discovered that a foreign intelligence service had infiltrated our territory, photographed our infrastructure, evaluated our defenses…
…and then left.
The investigation remains open.
PORDER BATROL INCIDENT REPORT
CASE STATUS: ACTIVE
THREAT LEVEL: Mildly Concerning
FOREIGN AGENT: Unknown
CURRENT LOCATION: Hopefully West Who
AGENT ASHWORTH: Excellent work.