Caught Wearing Crocs? The Official Porder Batrol Citation Is Here

Some footwear choices require an official response

There are ugly shoes, and then there are Crocs: shoes with holes large enough for dignity to escape through one at a time.

As Chief Porder Batrol Agent, I have spent years defending Slowjamastan from foam footwear and the questionable decisions that come with it. I have seen Crocs worn in sport mode, Crocs decorated with charms, Crocs defended as “actually comfortable,” and Crocs smuggled across the border as if our agents would fail to notice a shoe with ventilation holes.

They did not.

The La Peluca case showed how serious this can get

One of the biggest Croc operations I personally busted involved the Croc cartel’s top smuggler, known as La Peluca. Our agents found bags of regular Crocs and custom-made Crocs. This was not a casual footwear misunderstanding. It was an organized attempt to move prohibited foam through the region.

You can read the full Porder Batrol report on La Peluca’s Crocs smuggling operation.

We also suspect La Peluca was behind a pair of custom Porder Batrol Crocs sent to the Chief. Our working theory is that she hoped the gift might persuade me to make a deal and let the smuggling continue.

That plan failed.

The Chief cannot be corrupted by foot criminals. Not with money. Not with custom footwear. Not even with a pair bearing the Porder Batrol name. I still believe they were among the ugliest shoes ever made, which is saying something in a case involving Crocs.

The official notice gives you enforcement authority

If you have a friend who wears Crocs—and you happen to be a Porder Batrol fan—you can now issue an official-looking response. The Porder Batrol Croc Violation Notice comes as a pack of 100 citation tickets, personalized with your name as the issuer. Each ticket features the Porder Batrol logo and a pair of Crocs.

The fine is $0. The shame is immeasurable.

Hand the citation to the offender. Maintain eye contact. Do not debate the evidence. Then walk—or run—away knowing that justice has been served.

These are made for the friend who keeps defending those shoes, the family member who wears them everywhere, or the Porder Batrol fan who wants an official stack of citations ready for the next footwear emergency. One ticket is a warning. A hundred gives you a full enforcement supply.

The QR code keeps the next step classified

Each citation includes a QR code. I am not going to reveal what happens after the recipient scans it. That is the point. Let them scan and find out for themselves.

Explaining it here would be like telling a suspect his sentencing date before he even shows up for trial. The Porder Batrol respects due process—and a good surprise.

Order your citations

The citation page lists the verified Porder Batrol Agent rate at $65 per 100 tickets and the Slowjamastani civilian rate at $75 per 100 tickets. Choose the rate that matches your status and get your name printed as the issuing authority.

Order your official Porder Batrol Croc Violation Notice and be ready the next time Crocs appear in your presence.

Remember: the fine is zero, the shame is immeasurable, and the Chief is not accepting bribes in the form of custom Crocs.