Wearing crocs In Slowjamastan is a major offense.

We say NO to Crocs!

Slowjamastan Laws

Those clunky, hole-filled clown shoes are strictly prohibited. Trust me; they’re a crime against fashion. Get caught wearing them, and you’ll face the ultimate punishment: four slaps to the face with a dirty croc. And if you still don’t learn your lesson, we will force you to watch 24 hours of the Kardashians.

Feet on the dashboard!? Hell No!

Oh, no-no-no! That’s a big no-go in Slowjamastan. This violation is as bad as wearing crocs. Placing your dirty feet on the dashboard is unsanitary, trashy, and downright unacceptable. It’s a terrible habit!

Heck, forget the trashiness of the habit. Ever consider your legs getting crushed in the event of an accident? Placing your nasty feet on the dash is not only disgusting, it’s dangerous!

Slowjamastan Laws

String Cheese Violators

Slowjamastan laws exist for a darn good reason. Now, let’s talk string cheese violators. If you don’t know how to eat string cheese the right way, you are an embarrassment to society! We take our cheese seriously here.

No willy-nilly chomping allowed. These cheesy criminals will face a stiff fine. But don’t worry, we’ll let them off the hook if they can master the art of cheese pulling! Look, it’s not rocket science. You open the package, pull the string cheese and eat it. How hard can that be?

String Cheese Violator
Mumble Rap!
Mumble Rap

Not familiar with the term? It’s like the lyrics are playing hide and seek! Famous artists like Lil Uzi Vert and Lil Yachty cannot perform in Slowjamastan. That’show much we despise mumble rap. We like our music with clear words and some rhythm you can dance to. Example of great artists are: L.L. Cool J, Vanilla Ice, Eazy-E, etc.

Follow The Law!

If you follow the Slowjamastan laws, you’ll be good to go. But dare to break’em, and you’ll find out what the term “f**k around and find out” really means. So, let’s all laugh, dance, and enjoy life.

Interested in becoming a Porder Batrol Agent? Apply now!

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