THE OFFICIAL VEHICULAR SANITIZATION PROTOCOL
AGENT TRAINING MODULE #CW-402
CLASSIFICATION: MANDATORY
STATUS: ACTIVE
DIVISION: MOBILE OPERATIONS
ISSUED BY: CHIEF MARK CORONA
Within the Porder Batrol, vehicle cleanliness is not considered optional.
It is considered:
- operational discipline
- public presentation
- national pride
- basic human decency
Agents operating visibly dirty vehicles risk:
- public embarrassment
- reduced morale
- unnecessary finger drawings in dust-covered windows
- possible suspension from official taco transport duties
According to internal records, Slowjamastan dust continues to present one of the greatest threats to operational vehicle appearance throughout the region.
The dust is:
- aggressive
- highly invasive
- emotionally exhausting
- capable of making a recently washed truck appear abandoned within approximately 14 minutes
Chief Mark Corona addressed the issue during a recent vehicular inspection briefing:
“My friends, if your truck looks like it just returned from a three-year desert expedition, we have failed as a society.”
As a result, all active Porder Batrol agents are required to complete Weekly Vehicular Sanitization Procedures under Statute 9.1.
Failure to comply may result in:
- Dirty Truck demerits
- temporary morale reduction
- reassignment to low-priority Crocs monitoring zones
- mandatory windshield shame inspections
OFFICIAL WASH PROCEDURE
PHASE 1 — PRE-RINSE OPERATIONS
Agents must first remove:
- surface dust
- suspicious debris
- unidentified desert particles
- any evidence of dashboard tortilla consumption
High-pressure rinse procedures are authorized and encouraged.
PHASE 2 — FOAM DEPLOYMENT
Approved soap must be evenly distributed across all vehicle surfaces.
Special attention should be given to:
- tires
- door panels
- rear bumpers
- emergency light bars
- emotionally neglected wheel wells
Agents are reminded:
circular wiping motions remain the international standard of civilized washing.
PHASE 3 — THE CHIEF’S POLISH
Once sanitization is complete, vehicles must undergo final inspection procedures to ensure acceptable levels of shine and operational dignity.
Tradition also requires at least one agent to stand behind the vehicle while being unnecessarily sprayed with water for morale purposes.
This step serves no tactical advantage whatsoever.
However, investigators confirm:
it dramatically improves training video quality.
CLASSIFIED VIOLATIONS
CLASS A VIOLATIONS
- allowing visible dirt buildup for multiple weeks
- writing “wash me” into dust layers
- operating vehicles with unacceptable windshield visibility
- storing old french fries near tactical equipment
CLASS B VIOLATIONS
- streaked windows
- weak tire shine effort
- emotionally disappointing rinse performance
- suspicious sponge usage
OFFICIAL STATEMENT FROM CHIEF MARK CORONA
“A clean vehicle tells the world we are disciplined professionals. A dirty vehicle tells the world we probably eat inside the truck.”
The Chief further reminded agents that cleanliness reflects directly upon:
- the Porder Batrol
- national morale
- roadside authority presence
- overall taco transportation confidence
FINAL TRAINING REMINDER
Citizens are encouraged to report:
- unusually dusty patrol vehicles
- excessive mud accumulation
- visible dashboard crumbs
- suspiciously dull tire shine
- unauthorized bucket usage
The Weekly Vehicular Sanitization Protocol remains one of the most important responsibilities within the Porder Batrol.
Because in Slowjamastan…
a clean truck is a respected truck.