Vandalism in Slowjamastan: Where Was Chief Porder Batrol Agent Mark Corona?
Fellow Slowjamastanis, the unthinkable has happened. On December 14, 2024, our beloved nation fell victim to an act of vandalism, leaving the community in shock. But the real scandal? The whispers echoing across Slowjamastan: “Where was Chief Porder Batrol Agent Mark Corona?”
Let’s address the rumors head-on. Some claim I was “off duty.” Others suggest a deeper conspiracy, fueled by reports from an unnamed citizen (totally not Gary from Sector 7), who dramatically declared:
“We trusted him! Now, I sleep with one eye open and my wallet under my pillow. This can never happen again.”
First, Gary—nobody’s interested in your wallet stuffed with leftover Monopoly money and expired Chuck E. Cheese coupons. Second, and more importantly, let me set the record straight: I was not off duty. I was on a mission. For America.
You see, I was called to serve—not just Slowjamastan, but our American neighbors. And what kind of mission could possibly require the presence of a Chief Porder Batrol Agent? A charity golf event. But this wasn’t just any golf event. This was a one-of-a-kind, highly classified operation involving a prop toilet, a golf club, and what can only be described as the perfect photo op next to A Christmas Story leg lamp. Yes, it happened. Look at the picture—proof that I will go to any lengths to serve, even if it means swinging a club while seated on a porcelain throne.
As ridiculous as it sounds, the American people needed me. This was a charity effort that only a Chief Porder Batrol could pull off with the dignity (or lack thereof) that the occasion demanded. But rest assured, as soon as I completed my duties, no pun intended, I returned to Slowjamastan with the utmost urgency.
To ensure this vandalism never happens again, (Unless tacos are involved. In that case, carry on without me) I am implementing heightened security measures: 24/7 raccoon surveillance, mandatory Crocs inspections, and leg lamp checkpoints. The vandals may have struck once, but they will not strike again.
Stay strong, Slowjamastan. And remember, sometimes even the Chief has to answer the call—whether it’s guarding our borders or sitting on a prop toilet for a good cause.
Your ever-dedicated Chief Porder Batrol Agent,
Mark Corona