String Cheese Violator Arrested & Ridiculed!

Story By Dirk Cunningham

In a world where the headlines only seem to report crime and violence, one story recently hit closer to home for me. A string cheese violator was arrested by Chief Patrol Agent, Mark Corona. As a fan of this tasty snack myself, I couldn’t help but dig deeper into the story. This law-breaking incident may seem funny at first. But, it raises some serious questions about the importance of cultural traditions and respecting them.

String Cheese Violator

String Cheese, It's What's For Dinner

The violation of the string cheese tradition in Slowjamastan is no laughing matter. In this country, string cheese is not just a snack, but a way of life. Slowjamastanies take their string cheese very seriously. Peeling off each individual strand, rather than biting into it like a barbarian, is how to eat it. The violator, as seen in the photo, caused outrage among the citizens. This resulted in Mark Corona stepping in. This terrible human being was arrested for violating the string cheese consumption law.

Slowjamastanies view the traditional way of eating string cheese as not just a simple food ritual, but as a way to respect their culture. This is similar to how people in other countries follow traditional customs. For example; rituals like eating with their hands, instead of using utensils. Or, removing their shoes before entering a house. When we visit another country, it is important to respect its traditions. The same courtesy should be extended to visitors to our lands. Food is more than a source of nourishment, it can be a significant cultural expression.

Slowjamastan Consumption Law

Slowjamastan is the world’s leader in string cheese education. The consumption law was placed for a reason; to teach dumb asses how to eat it the right way. Although there is no harsh punishment, you WILL be arrested and ridiculed. Slowjamastan feels that is punishment enough.


Understand, actions have consequences, even if they seem small and harmless. This case should serve as an example. This terrible incident is a reminder to us all to respect cultural traditions. It’s also important to acknowledge that food can be more than something to eat. It can be a cultural expression.

The string cheese violator case may seem funny on the surface, but it highlights the importance of learning how to eat it. Let’s remember to be mindful of this. My friend, enjoy your string cheese the right way, like the citizens of Slowjamastan do.