Welcome to the Slowjamastan Porder Batrol, where fun and laughs are part of our strict laws! Until.....you f*$% around and find out!

Chief Porder Batrol Agent

Chief Mark Corona is dedicated to his job, but we can still have fun while following the rules. In Slowjamastan, we have strict laws to improve our people’s fashion sense. And, that’s why crocs are at the top of the priority list.

We Hate Crocs!

Those clunky, hole-filled clown shoes are strictly prohibited. Trust me; they’re a crime against fashion. Get caught wearing them, and you’ll face the ultimate punishment: four slaps to the face with a dirty croc. And if you still don’t learn your lesson, we will force you to watch 24 hours of the Kardashians.


Feet on the dashboard


Oh, no-no-no! That’s a big no-go in Slowjamastan. This violation is as bad as wearing crocs. In fact, deciding which of these two violations should be number one on our list was a difficult decision for us. Placing your feet on the dashboard is unsanitary, trashy, and downright unacceptable.

Heck, forget the trashiness of the habit. Ever consider your legs getting crushed in the event of an accident? Placing your nasty feet on the dash is not only disgusting, it’s dangerous!

If your feet are on a dashboard in Slowjamastan, it’s a serious crime. Are you willing to face the punishment? If convicted, you’ll receive two slaps with a dirty croc to the face. You will have to listen to mumble rap for 2 hours starting at 5am. Artist of choice? Lil’ Uzi Vert. And, finally, non stop re-runs of the Kardashians. My friend, we would hate to see you suffer in this manner. So, please, do NOT place your feet on the dashboard, anywhere!

String Cheese Violators

Now, let’s talk string cheese violators. If you don’t know how to eat string cheese the right way, we need to talk! We take our cheese seriously here. No willy-nilly chomping allowed. These cheesy criminals will face a stiff fine. But don’t worry, we’ll let them off the hook if they can master the art of cheese pulling! Look, it’s not rocket science. You open the package, pull the string cheese and eat it. How hard can that be?

Mumble Rap!

Not familiar with the term? It’s like the lyrics are playing hide and seek! Famous artists like Lil Uzi Vert and Lil Yachty cannot perform in Slowjamastan. That’show much we despise mumble rap. We like our music with clear words and some rhythm you can dance to. Example of great artists are: L.L. Cool J, Vanilla Ice, Eazy-E, etc.

Mumble Rap

Follow these laws, and you’ll be good to go in Slowjamastan. But dare to break ’em, and you’ll find out what the term “f*%^ around and find out” really means. So, let’s all laugh, dance, and enjoy life.

Interested in becoming a Porder Batrol Agent? Apply now!

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